This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
security at the airport getting more straightforward
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.