The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.