I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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me and my fake scenarios
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.