I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Venn
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine