911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Sponch
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.