If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink