Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
the red hot silly peppers
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair