[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Seems legit
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies