Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS