Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Autocorrect completely socks
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
This is painfully accurate 😅
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.