I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!