Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Never forget.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.