I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.