Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
tell em, edith-anne
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.