i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510