How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*exercises sarcastically*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck