My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses