me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.