My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
i hate you platonically
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that