going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants