doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks