Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Me sliding into hell like
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?