“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.