I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore