Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn