I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Human are so complicated
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
God has left this place
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”