when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!