IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me as a parent
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*