Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Super Hand Dog Face
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My current situation
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Taliband
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.