buys donuts instead
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.