Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
You Might Also Like
Ugh
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone鈥檚 way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Adult: What鈥檚 that a drawing of?
Someone else鈥檚 kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE鈥橲 COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
God: you鈥檙e a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you鈥檙e a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 馃幎am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It鈥檚 so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[funeral]
I鈥檒l never forget dad鈥檚 last words: It鈥檚 way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat鈥檚 house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 馃檭 she鈥檚 back inside indefinitely
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
It鈥檚 a day for learning unwanted facts.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
When your best mate counts as a desk too
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone