If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
it was a valiant fight
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Not messing around
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome