He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo