[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.