We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
This woman is my idol. Free her.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?