[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.