4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.