elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.