I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.