whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”