Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
i meant to share this earlier
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’