Muppet Screams
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
fired
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.