“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.