Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You Might Also Like
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
🙀🙀🙀😹
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Poetry is my passion
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
handsome & gretel
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
No way!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”