*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William