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Meeeee too!
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Still a very good boi….
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Very good! 👍😂
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”