Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
the simulation is moving too fast
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
*weighs self after shaving
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
happy friday
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules