If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Merry Christmas
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
We found love in a hopeless place.
Accurate
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.