[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
He just like my cat fr
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.