Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”